What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 28.06.2025 04:21
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Would this be the day?
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
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I said to her
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Why is the world male-dominated?
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
One cannot live in the past .
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So whats the point in blame.
Who then, do I blame.?
I couldn’t, believe it.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
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As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
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That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
So, i spoilt her more .
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
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Was to survive, this bastard.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
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Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
And i lived it daily.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
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Where the ultimate outsiders.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Put me off passion for life!!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
She found it foreign!.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I will be 64.
She was in good health!
Im still living with it.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Especially a lifetime of it.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
He knew the spot.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
We all went to grammer schools
(And it was in our own minds.)
I write beautiful poetry .
Ive learnt so much.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
But it wasn’t much.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I waited trembling.
I never cut or harmed myself..
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
All the time i was locked up.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
He resisted the act ,that day.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I was very sick at this time too.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I think the readers, may guess!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
It was going to be , some day.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I don,t even have a pension.
I have no regrets .
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Comes on , in middle age.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
My life is so biszare .
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I was seconnd youngest,
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
What did i know ?
We were not on the streets..
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
As i do to all so called friends.?
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
She married twice! .
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
My family never makes their pension either.
She loved him until the end.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
This is soul school!.
When she asked me how she looked .
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I could never make a relationship work though!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
But, we were locked up after school.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I was scared of men, in general
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
But ive been too sick for many years..
She wouldn,t have been !
The only rule us 5 kids had .
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I was 9 years of age.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!